Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself say
Don’t touch!
I am sure my husband gets annoyed, too, since it’s him who is doing the
touching. It’s not that I don’t like his touch, you see, I really do
love
it to the millionth degree, but there are times when he touches me in a
place during a certain time that makes me want to scream.
Of course I don’t scream for fear of waking up our kids who have
recently decided to go on a sleep strike leaving us to rarely get any
touchy feely time in anyway so I should really take it when I can get
it. But I’m trying to make the best out of every touchy feely moment —
trying to make the best of this moment for everyone. So here’s my list
on the
places a man should never touch on a woman’s body along with the
worst times to do it.
Because I’m not saying these places should never be touched, I’m saying
they shouldn’t be touched in certain scenarios. Men, you need to be
astute. I
know, it’s hard sometimes. But here’s help.
1. The nipple when other things are going on with our body. Avoid nipple pinching when we’re breastfeeding or about to have our periods. It just hurts … in the bad way.
2. The leg when it hasn’t been shaved and we’ve been
meaning to shave but just didn’t get around to it. We want to be
smooth, but now you’ve gone and realized we are prickly and lazy, making
us feel instantly unattractive. (Unless of course you are into that
sort of thing.)
3. The vagina when it needs a bath. If you start
going downtown and she pulls you back up, this is your red flag that
she’s not feeling so fresh. Respect it because your attempt will be
futile. She probably won’t enjoy it while worrying about her lady odor
anyway.
4. The anus without a lubricated finger. One question will help you understand: How do you think it would feel to shove your penis in a keyhole?
5. Our hair after we just spent hours at the salon. Common sense, right? Come on, guys!
6. The face when we’re oily or have a pimple. If you
don’t know when this is because men seem to generally be blind to these
sorts of things, tell your woman you think she looks so pretty. If she
acts surprised and mentions something about her skin not being right or
sort of looks away to hide her face, this may be a good time to avoid
face touching. Or, you know, just look to see if there is a blemish.
7. The stomach after a large meal. We really want to
have a flat tummy, but it’s nearly impossible most times, particularly
after we just ate a cheeseburger with sweet potato French fries and had a
beer. Or during a premenstrual bloat. Or when we eat anything with
beans.
8. Anywhere after we have been sweating … a lot …
and
we aren’t drunk. I’d say about 99 percent of the time, most women don’t
like a man to get all physical after we’ve gotten all physical at the
gym. This is also true for when we have been outside heating up during
those sweltering summer months. But I’ve found that if you add alcohol,
this hang up of being touched when sweaty is gone. Same goes for all the
others, too.
Of course there are always exceptions here, which makes it all the
more confusing for men. Women can be hard to read and harder to please,
but when you do read us and please us, everyone is satisfied. Got that,
guys?
What places do you hate to be touched and in what scenarios?
